Expat Journey

The journey toward expatriating is not always linear. And if the first country you try turns out to not be the “one,” there is a huge sense of “what the heck do we do now?”

When Ecuador didn’t work out for us, Jeremy and I experienced a number of emotions, ranging from frustration to regret, and a general sense of feeling unmoored.

While we didn’t think Ecuador would necessarily be our forever home, we thought it would at least be a multi-year endeavor. We’d thrown ourselves wholeheartedly into our Ecuador adventure–both emotionally and financially. When we opted to pull the plug on South America, we had to deal not only with the sadness that Ecuador didn’t work out, but also with the financial toll it extracted.

The Financial Impact of Pulling the Plug on Ecuador

While the cost of living is low in Ecuador, getting there was not cheap. (See this post on what it cost us to move to Ecuador.) Costing just under $30,000 for the two of us and the cats to get there from the US, living in Ecuador for only 18 months was not a smart move financially. Because we still work, it didn’t devastate us financially, but nonetheless, $30 K would have bought us a boatload of other travel experiences had we used that money differently.

While we’re not ones to stress over sunk costs, the lesson did not escape us: we’re going into our next adventure with a more savvy attitude, money-wise. While some costs can’t be minimized–such as travel, lodging, visa costs, etc, there were a lot of upgrades that Jeremy and I spent money on in Ecuador that will be eliminated on the next go-round. We’re not going to buy furniture, for example, to make our next “furnished” housing more comfortable. So, we’re going to have to be more discriminating when we rent. If the beds are too soft, the lighting inadequate, and the kitchen not well-equipped, then we’ll have to keep looking.

While the financial piece of leaving Ecuador didn’t sink us, the reality is that we’re not going to be working forever, and at some point, it won’t be possible to make financial blunders of that size.

The Emotional Impact of Leaving Ecuador

This one is less tangible, and I want to preface things by saying that we are not at all regretful at having tried Ecuador. Having said that, there is still a feeling of loss, coupled with a “why can’t we get this right?” attitude that flits through both of our minds periodically.

There are hundreds of American expats that call Ecuador home and they are extremely content with this choice. Unfortunately, we’re not one of them! That can, at times, provoke a feeling of inadequacy, tinged with wondering if we’re just ridiculously picky. On most days, I don’t feel that way–I mostly just think Ecuador wasn’t a good fit for our needs–but the thought definitely crosses my mind every now and then–even now that we’ve been out of South America for a few months.

The reality is that some of us have to kiss more than one frog in the process of expatriating. Rather than feeling inadequate when our first choice doesn’t work out, it’s of greater benefit to examine what went right along with what went awry in our initial venture(s) and take those lessons into the next endeavor.

Tips to Start Over in (yet another) New Country

So, if you have to switch countries once again, suck it up, Buttercup. Ya have to do what it takes no matter how overwhelming it feels. Otherwise, you’ve simply swapped stagnating in one country for another. You want to plant yourself where you’re going to thrive, not just exist. Here are some tips for making the process less overwhelming.

Create a spreadsheet

We didn’t do this for Ecuador as there were really no other country contenders when we made that move. But we threw the door wide open after deciding to leave Ecuador. We listed over 40 countries (even ones we thought we’d have little interest in–simply so we could document the reasons we’d discarded it). Across the top, we set up columns for all the criteria that were important to us. Everything from safety, to bikeability, government stability and how much noise we could expect. All told, we had over 30 categories that I painstakingly took the time to evaluate. When a country was rejected, I listed the reason in yet another column. With so many options, it’s easy to forget why you crossed off a country from the list. Then you just end up looking into it all over again.

We also highlighted which priorities were must-haves. These are different for everyone. We were willing to make concessions in some areas and not in others. If a year-round temperate climate is a must-have for you, then state that as such and rule out countries that have colder winters. Don’t try to fit a square peg into a round hole. You’re not going to be able to make it work.

The spreadsheet was time consuming to create, but was extremely valuable in keeping us on track as we navigated the process of looking for our next home country.

Don’t compare yourself to others

This is good advice in almost any setting, but especially so when it comes to moving abroad. I admit, I am envious of people who decide to embrace expat life and hit the mark with their first location. But that wasn’t the case for me. I shouldn’t be surprised. To put it bluntly, I am pretty high maintenance in many aspects of my life. I need meaning, depth and purpose to so much of what I do. I’m not ready to retire to my rocking chair or play cards and garden for days on end. That life fulfills many people, and that’s great for them. But I need something different.

Comparing yourself to other expats that you deem to be successful is a recipe for self defeat. Don’t do it. You want to find a home country that speaks to your soul–not someone else’s.

Give yourself a respite in between countries

If it’s feasible, get yourself back to your home country while you’re in between countries. This tip won’t work for everyone, but let me explain why it worked for us. Ecuador was really stressing us out–primarily in the area of personal security–and we didn’t want to focus any more of our attention on trying to live with that problem. Also, for many countries (Bulgaria included), it’s much easier to apply for a visa from your home country. If we’d applied for our Bulgarian D visas from Ecuador, it would have been a nightmare of getting documents from the US and working with the US Embassy in Quito. There is no Bulgarian embassy in Ecuador; we would have had to go to the one in Brazil.

By returning to the US for three months, it gave us time to regroup (in a country where we know our way around and speak the language). Granted, that was an expensive undertaking, what with renting short term lodging and a car. But for us, it was worth the investment.

Don’t buy into the marketing hype

For every YouTuber that extols the virtues of their “hidden gem” location, there will be a contradictory opinion that the place is a shit hole. The reality is that choosing a home country and city is a deeply personal decision. And while we’re talking about YouTube, remember that people who make videos documenting their vacation experience in a country do not have the same set of criteria as those of us looking to live permanently (or at least longer term) in a country.

Yes, there may be many cool and groovy things to do in a certain location, but those things won’t take up the majority of your everyday existence. What matters is your happiness level with the conditions of living day to day in any given place.

Watching YouTube videos and reading blogs is a great start for gathering information on a country. but there’s no substitute for being there and seeing things for yourself firsthand. It’s easy to get caught up in the fantasy that the place you’re leaning toward is going to be the answer to your every want and need. Be realistic.

Find a place with better problems

I was talking to a somewhat dissatisfied expat a while ago. Her take on finding the best place to live was to find a place where “the annoyances are the least objectionable.” Her view was that every place has its downsides. The trick is to find the place whose negatives bother you the least. I first I thought this was a negative way of looking at things, but after living in several countries, I totally get it.

Changing countries is essentially swapping one set of stressors for another. In the US, I take issue with the political climate, the lack of gun control, how most of live with such excesses, our dependence on cars and the cost of living. In Bulgaria, those are not issues for me. But I miss the efficiency of how easily things get done in America and the variety of products available. I have a hard time with how animals are treated in Bulgaria. Some of the infrastructure isn’t as solid as that of the US. But those issues stress me out less than the ones I face living in the United States. That may not be the case for you.

You’re always going to have to trade one set of problems for another. Find a country whose problems you can live with–or even better, that you can help improve.

Learn the basics of the language

Learn to say basic pleasantries in the local language before you visit–even if there are plenty of English speakers around to communicate with and through. It’s a sign of respect for your host country. And once you arrive, dive a little deeper into becoming proficient. I don’t think I’ll ever be as communicative in Bulgarian as I was in Spanish, but people appreciate the effort. Plus it keeps you sharp! 😀

Pack as lightly as possible for the next move

Even if you have to store some things in your home country, it’s probably wise to bring less along. We brought way too much stuff to Ecuador because we thought it would be a longer term living situation. For our Bulgaria adventure, we initially left behind our favorite artwork, mementos, hobby-related materials and off-season clothing. They are safe and secure in a climate-controlled small storage unit. Once we get to know Bulgaria a little better, and if we decide it’s for us, then we can schlep over those non-necessities. Trying to bring all the contents of your life from country to country is exhausting. You might consider taking only the essentials on the first go-round.

Plan for the possibility that you will want to move again

And by that, I mean have a fund set aside for this possibility. You don’t want to be stuck in a country that you don’t like, or worse–feels unsafe–because you can’t afford to leave.

Don’t worry about sunk costs of time and money

This is a biggie. It’s disparaging to think about how much it cost you in time and effort to move to a country, only to have it not work out for you. Jeremy was particularly discouraged with how hard he’d worked at learning Spanish, only to then move to a country where knowing Spanish was worthless. Likewise, it was tempting to make Ecuador work for us simply because of the sunk financial costs of getting there, obtaining our visas and setting up a home.

But at some point, you will want to stop second guessing your past decisions and simply dive into the next adventure. Learn from the past, but don’t waste a bunch of time kicking yourself for decisions you’ve made based on the best information you had at the time. Regrets don’t help you move you forward; they keep you stuck. You’re not going to get that time or money back either way, so move on.

Be discerning with whom you reveal your plans

Choose your confidants wisely and be discriminating with how much you reveal. You don’t need people looking askance at you and saying, “What??? You’re moving AGAIN?!!!” If you’re already feeling off-kilter because of past decisions you’ve made, you want to surround yourself with supportive people.

When we made the decision to move to Ecuador, we told everybody, and we didn’t hold back our enthusiasm. When we decided to leave Ecuador, we basically had to backpedal and undo all of that. Most of our people were supportive and encouraging, but there is always that small fraction who look at you like you’re some sort of wing nut. I avoid those people like the plague. Until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, Judgy McJudgester, keep yer opinions to yerself.

When we decided on Bulgaria, we simply told most people we were looking at living there for a year and that we’re considering it a launching point to explore Europe. That’s not totally untrue. If that’s how Bulgaria works out, we’ll be totally thrilled. But we’ll be equally as happy if Bulgaria resonates so much with us that it turns into a longer term proposition.

And finally, go easy on yourself

Do you know how many people talk about expatriating and never get beyond the wannabe stage? Yeah, I don’t know either, but I guarantee you it’s a boatload more than the select few of us who actually do it. Would you rather be the person that tries and (initially) fails at expatriating, or the one who sits on the couch fantasizing about a different life?

If you had the drive and guts to leave your home country and try another one, you’re already ahead of the game–even if that first move didn’t turn out to be all you’d hoped for. After that first failed country, you know yourself better. You have a clear grasp on what’s going to work for you and what won’t. Like anything that doesn’t work out–a relationship, a job, a move–you take the lessons learned into the next phase and you do things differently.

That’s what makes life interesting! 😎